I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
