I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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