Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think people are normalizing furries
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
