Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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