I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
