I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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