I hate your face
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
