is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
