she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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