vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
