I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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