Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
