Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
