I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
