You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
