i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Screwed.edu
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
