Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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