what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
