Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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