I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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