when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
