Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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