i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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