shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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