why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
