i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
