you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
