he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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