I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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