Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
