You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
