Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
