My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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