Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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