so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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