how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
