She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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