Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
handjob tips. give me some.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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