And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
