I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
