I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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