If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
