he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
