if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She bit a glass in half.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
