Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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