You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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