you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
