I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
