If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
