She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
