The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
