do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
