god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
being pregnant is like rehab
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
