Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
