he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
