hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
