Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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