I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
