Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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