remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
